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Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Now I KNOW why Moms keep secrets.....

Now I KNOW why Moms keep secrets....

Especially the one about what happens when their former good child turns into an adult...aka, 18.....

There seems some confusion going on in my house as to what said 18 year Man-child can and cannot do......

So I've thought about this for a couple of days.....and here are the rules and regs that i've come up with...

EVEN THOUGH YOUR 18 YOUR ARE:

Still expected to go by the same rules as the rest of the family......

For example, you cannot stay out until whenever you ever want....

And, you are still expected to do the same chores as usual............

Also, cursing at your mom is likely to make her get her PAULA DEEN pan out and bop you on the head with it.....

And, raising your voice at yo mama, will likely get you b*tched slapped...

Also, you are still loved, and I will do your laundry because you work hard at your day job, then go to football practice, then shower, then onto your online school for your extra credit......

And I've been paying your insurance for a while now, and yes I DO expect your day job money to go towards getting your truck all ready.....in another words pay for your own oil, etc.....

And yes, I want you to stay home and finish school, you only have one year left, and you are a senior one the
Varsity football team, then go on to College....

However, now that you are an ADULT, you should treat me the same as you always have......

If not......I have no problem going BACK WOODS ALABAMA ON YOUR BUTT.....

And putting you in your place........

For now, i'm gonna give you a few weeks to get used to your new found role, before I do the whole BWAOYB thing.......

Never forget, That I Love you very much.......
But I am not required to like you sometimes.....
Same goes for you....

May the swelling in your head go down from turning 18,
or else the swelling in your head will be from my Mad  PAULA DEEN PAN Throwing skillz.....

And to the MOMS out there who kept this a secret.....WELL PLAYED SISTER, WELL PLAYED



Monday, June 24, 2013

His 18th Birthday...

So yesterday, MAN-CHILD turned 18.....

I had been bothering me for a while and i've written about the hard times i've been having in dealing with this.....

But, I have to admit, it went rather smoothly....

He got a truck for his birthday.......

A new to him truck....

OK,OK....it's a complete REDNECK truck....

It's what every boys first truck should be.....

As in paid for, and old.....

It's a 1998 Chevy Silverado, extended cab, long bed truck.....

Here's a pic:



So, the day went good.....

With me only having a few anxiety attacks.....

But I put one foot in front of the other....and well....I MADE IT.....

Until I opened up his baby book.....

Then the tears came.....

Oh well......

I still have 6 more to go.........



TOOK A XANAX AND MADE IT THROUGH THE DAY,
JAMIE...
AKA....
MAMA WITH AN 18 YEAR OLD SON.....

Friday, June 21, 2013

I HAD NO IDEAL

I HAD NO IDEAL.....

Why couldn't someone tell me?

It's like it's some sort of secret, that mom's have.....

It's a secret that mom's keep, I think, in part to save you some pain....

I just wished that somebody would have clued me in....

How was I to know, just 18 short years ago, as I lay on the operating table, after 15 hours of labor.....That I would be in the pain, just the same?

I never dreamed that my Man-Child turning 18, could hurt so much......

Oh sure, I joke about it......saying things like "Get a job"......so he did......

Great, the one thing I was joking about, he actually did......

Maybe I should joke about him putting his dirty clothes in the basket.....maybe he'd do it then.

Maybe I should try turning back time, doing things differently.....worrying less, laughing more....

But isn't that how you should be with your first born child?

Worried? Scared? Is that a hungry cry or a I just pooped my pants cry.????

Calling your mom up in the middle of the night, to ask her (from 12 hours away) what she thought the cry meant?

And usually she was right.....

But it seems like in the blink of an eye, we went from newborn, to toddler, to preschooler, to elementary school, middle school, being a tweenager, and then finally the forever mouthing off teenager.

Then, he goes and turns 18........

How dare he? What? Why????

I know my sister Cheryl would say to me "Jamie, it's what you've been teaching him to do since birth..To grow up and be responsible, and polite"....

And she would be right (of course)......

My sister Cindy might say something along the lines of "Hey chick, you made it...He's 18, and you haven't killed him, and he hasn't killed you either, so you did good"....

My sister Vicky would probably just laugh at me.."And say, Yeah, you only have 6 more to go"......

My mother would just remind me, ever so gently, that I got married at 17......yikes!!! What was I thinking???

Well whatever I was thinking, I got Man-Child, and Girl-Child.........

I digress.....

Back to my question, Why does him turning 18 hurt?????

Can anybody answer me that???

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Hey GirlChild, is your mom PREGNANT????

Umm, excuse me......

Girl Child told me that one of her friends asked if I was pregnant because of my gut...

So apparently people, I look like i'm about to give birth..............

When I asked Girl Child if she defended me, or even told said *friend* that I had given birth to 5 babies and it was non of her business....

Her reply: "NO....you are carrying a little weight in the midsection"

Me: "Thanks alot....."

My question is that why do Teenagers, and Women in general seem to want to point out all of our flaws???

So, I'M NOT A TWIG BITCH........

Get over it people, especially the little snot who started this whole thing....

And for my daughter not coming to my defense or even explaining that i had housed a lot of kids in this APPARENTLY GIANT BELLY, i'm at a loss for words...

Excuse me, Man Child, Girl Child, Things 1, 2 and 3.......
This MASSIVE BELLY did house you for 9 months....
You all are responsible for every stretch mark that, until today, I WORE with PRIDE......
I also breastfed every single one of you, even when i was pregnant with another child...
Seriously, i would go into the hospital breastfeeding 1 kid, and come our breastfeeding another.
So forgive me if my LADY BITS are on the wobbly size....
I was doing what doctors and science said was best for babies.....
So excuse the Hell outta me....

Thank you to all you TWIG BITCHES out there that makes our youth, teenagers and mothers SUPER SELF CONSCIOUS about our body....

WTH is going on in today's world that makes us think we have to be a certain size to be acceptable????

My Girl-Child followed up on this conversation with: "do you want to go enter a marathon  with her, so I could get in shape ?"

At this point I could have wrang her pretty little red neck....

But instead I came here, to pour out my vile about these TWIGS B's............

Always making my Girl Child feel like she's fat, and apparently they have the capability to make a Grown Woman (me) want to go hide in the bathroom to cry...

I am at peace with my body........
Sure I could loose a few pounds and probably feel better......only to have those pounds quickly come back.
Why? Cause raising my children, teaching my teenagers how to become adults, dealing with a husband who is both an insulin dependent diabetic, and epileptic, seem to trump A TRIP TO THE GYM............

My husband still finds me beautiful, and he's seen every bit of me including my guts ( 5 c-sections)......
He's seen me dressed to the nines, with blonde hair....
and he's seen me in his old work shirt, and cut off jeans.
He's seen me when i haven't managed to brush my hair or my teeth, because I was dealing with babies...
He's seen me after my c-sections and all the gory details that go into the first few days after giving birth.
And yet he still thinks that i'm beautiful........

So why do I give a FLYING F what this teenager said?

Because it seems to be the American way of thinking, that everyone has to be one size to be beautiful, smart, and successful...

And now it's in my mind, and in Girl-Child's mind that I am not good enough......
How the hell did I let a teenager in my head? And if she can get into my head, then damn she's good...

What's scary is that their are many more people, from young to old that are thinking the same way....

WE MUST BE SKINNY TO BE A GOOD PERSON
WE MUST BE SKINNY TO FIT IN
IF WE ARE FAT WE ARE SLOBS WHO DON'T CARE ABOUT OUR BODY'S
IF WE ARE FAT WE ARE SHOWING OUR KIDS THAT WE DON'T CARE ABOUT OUR HEALTH, AND DEAR GOD BECAUSE I'M FAT, SHOULD I EVEN BE ABLE TO BE A MOTHER???????????

But you know what......
Screw them.......
Because I don't care anymore...

I AM BEAUTIFUL
I AM A WIFE
I AM A MOTHER
I AM A DAUGHTER
I AM A GRAND DAUGHTER
I AM A AUNT
I AM A WOMAN WHO WEAR HER STRIPES PROUDLY....

I AM WOMAN, AND HEAR ME ROAR........

JAMIE...... ALL 170 LBS OF ME!!



Thursday, May 30, 2013

Barely making ends meet

Do you ever feel like you are going to just be swallowed whole by this thing we call life?

Well, if you haven't then Congrat's to you.
Right now, it feels like we are going to go under.
Bills, Taxes, Insurance, Food, Clothes, College, Gas.....I mean everything......................

My head is in a place that I don't like it to be......

Jobs are scarce......

And Me? I'm just scared.....

We knew going into this journey of having a large family and everything that goes along with it would be hard.

We felt we were up to the Challenge.....

Now, I'm not so sure........

They way the world is today is not the same way it was when we started on this journey.....

We are barely making ends meet, and we have already trimmed and trimmed our budget, until it can't be trimmed any more.
We have no cable, or satellite....everybody gets just what they NEED to go to school, but not what they WANT..
They get to watch their friends get I Pads, and I Phones, and laptops, and shop at Ambercrombie and upscale shops......while they don't.

They get to watch their friends get brand new cars, or close to brand new.....

When we drive a 93 Suburban, and Man Child has a 88 Chevy....

However, both kids are popular and well liked, but judged non the less....

We drive old cars, all paid for.......

We don't make unnecessary trips into town....

We do take our older ones to a school that is out of our district, so that they can go to the better school....
That means no bus service, and we live in the sticks, so alot of  our money goes to taking them back and forth to school....BUT WE BELIEVE IN THIS WHOLEHEARTEDLY ......
Education is very important to us.....

Credit cards? We don't have them.........
It's cash or we go without.....................

Hence, we haven't had central air in 2 summers, but make due with window units......

But we are on an edge, and I feel one foot dangling off the cliff........with my husband trying to hold on to me to keep me from going over....
I guess that's a good metaphor.........

We own our own house, and land....paid for.....but the taxes have nearly tripled since they have decided to start making subdivisions out here in the country....
We moved to get away from the suburbs......
We bought land so we would not be bothered by anyone....(also, it's kinda hard to get someone to rent to someone with as many kids as us!)

But the Suburbs came to us, and made our land and house value up (i know, most people would be like yippee) but all that did for us was to make our taxes go way way up.....
And since we have no intent to sell our home, the property value doesn't matter then.

I don't know how to cut the budget anymore.....other than using candles and oil lamps at night, and only taking showers every other Sunday....(that's a joke people)

I am very thankful for a roof over our heads, and that our kids are healthy....and everybody is doing good in school....
I an thankful that my husband now only has to take his insulin once or twice a day, depending on the numbers....When he was first diagnosed, he was on insulin 4 times daily....

So don't get me wrong....I'm not trying to to throw a big pity party.....
I just wanted to express how i'm feeling.....

I mean, has anyone else felt this way?

When we decided to have a big family it was also decided that I would be a stay at home mom..
But illness, and accidents have made that almost impossible......

I've been out of the job market for so long, i'm only qualified to work at a fast food restaurant, or bag groceries......

When once upon a time.... I was a dental assistant

And then 3 years later, and Office Manager to a thriving computer business........
And I was good at both jobs....

We are trying to hang on, but it seems like we are circling the drain......

Anyone else out there feel me? Or am I totally alone in this?

BARELY MAKING ENDS MEET.

Jamie


Saturday, May 25, 2013

A somber night

Last night my family went to a Candle Light Vigil for our beloved Quarter Back. He was swimming in the ocean, and got caught in a rip tide...... His friend tried to help, but our QB being who he was, knew that she wasn't strong enough to hold onto him, and help herself,  and get to safety....so making the MOST UNSELFISH decision in his whole 19 years, he told her to LET GO....Let go.......Let go...... And she did......That was Thursday the 23rd at 6pm....They found his body on Friday around 2 am.....

So in honor of him, the whole South West Stallions community held a candle light vigil for him.....Our Principal talked about his character.....He was a friend to everyone, black, white, purple...he didn't care. He was a friend and teammate to Man-Child, and friend to Girl-Child........The local pastor spoke.........
We lit candles, sang a few songs, let some balloons go......and cried.......and cried.......



It's always a sad time when a teenager dies...He was in his prime. He led us to 1AA State Championship. We won. He was about to graduate on the 10th of June. He was looking at colleges.......

There has to be a reason......
There has to.....The Pastor said there was......
And I believe...
Why?

Because on our way home, Man-Child rode with his friends to stay the night at a friends.....
And this is what happened:














This is the side that my son was on.....He had to break a window to get out....
The driver was stuck by the seat belt..... But they got out....

I get a call from Man Child saying that he was alright, and it was just a tiny wreck....When I asked if I needed to come there.....he said, too quickly...Oh, no, no,no....
Needless to say, My Mama instincts said yes yes yes, and CH drove at break neck speed to get to him....
The ambulance just arrived......

The results? Just a bruised elbow and shoulder, a few knots on his head....but other than that him, and his friend was fine...


This was taking after the car was flipped the right way, and about to get hauled off...
Man Child is on the left.....
They don't know how lucky they are.....
CH and I hardly got any sleep....
And wondered why God saved them....Thankful that he did...And he sent an Angel to help.

My Theory as to why they weren't hurt more or worse....killed....
I think our QB was their angel last night, and he was saying "oh no you don't big D, you gotta help hold the line so WE can win another championship".

Why?
Because that's the way our beloved QB was.....

Heart full of sadness,
But thankful for their angel,

Jamie....
ONCE A STALLION, ALWAYS A STALLION

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

How do I begin?

My Granny Freeman died yesterday.
She was 88 years old and had led a good life.
She was married to my sweet PawPaw Freeman for forever, who had already passed some years ago.
She had  7 kids, my father included.
She raised them right.
And she loved the Lord.
People tell me that I should rejoice that she is in heaven now, with her beloved husband, and her first born child who was killed in his early 20's, and that she is with my father too, that died 4 years, 11 months 3  weeks and 3 day ago. I know that she is loving it up there, reunited with her family that has been there for years. She is no longer in a body ravaged by disease. She is no longer lost in her brain all the memories that Alzheimer's took from her. She is in a new body and loving it....

She wouldn't want us to wallow......

But that's all I wanna do......

I was 17 when I left Alabama, and I din't see much of her after that (i'm 37 now)....
We'd come to visit every so often and see her....
She only met my kids a few times, but by then her Alzheimer's had kicked in, and i'm not for sure that she fully understood that these 5 kids were mine...but then again, who knows.
She had to bury her firstborn, and my father.....
That is not supposed to happen, it goes the other way....children bury their parents....

I look back on it now and think how many opportunities I missed to spend time with her, and my pawpaw. And it makes me sick to my stomach. When I was a teenager, I was JUST TO BUSY to see them often......now I realize how stupid that sounds....
And after I left Alabama, life took over with 5 kids in 9 years, and mortgages  and insurance payments, and dentist appointments...etc..... and the lack of money, that some way made it impossible to visit like I wanted too....

My whole family lives in Alabama, so I missed time with them too...

I'm filled with regret....that I didn't get to know her as an "adult", since I left so early....I'm sure she could have taught be alot about how to make a marriage last, and how to cherish my little ones......

I'm filled with regret, and shame that I didn't make it for my fathers funeral....
Yes, I just typed that last sentence....
I didn't have a phone then (dirt poor remember), and had to find out in a letter that my sister sent to me along with the funeral program....
He died on May 24th and was buried on May 27th, my husbands and my anniversary....almost five years ago....

Truth be told, to many he was a good friend, his nickname was YOGI....He could fish like a pro, and he liked tinkering with his cars....
But to us, his four girls we got to see a side of him that somewhat * different* than his friends saw.
I wont bash the dead, he was my father and his blood pumps thru my veins.
My mother always, always, told us that he loved us and tried as hard as could to be a father and husband....But....it wasn't meant to last......
We (my sisters and I) visited him and Granny and PawPaw....
We lived within a 10 mile radius of each other for my 17 years in Alabama.
When he got sick with a tumor that ate through his skull, and my sisters said it was time to come down, I did.
He finally meet all of my babies....We took pictures......We visited....
He hung on for a while, then he went quietly to meet his maker.

But still I REGRET.....

I still wish for a do-over......

It may not have changed anything, but at least I could have told myself that I tried.....
But I didn't.......

Since Granny Freeman's passing, I've been doing alot of thinking about that side of my family.....
Not all my Aunts and Uncles like me (us)....
I'm not at all close with my cousins like i am with the ones on my mama's side....
I used to blame it on them...but now....I don't know...
Maybe I was a horrible daughter, or cousin.....maybe I didn't put in enough energy into spending time with my cousins, and aunts....but then again, I was just a child....
I know that I LOVE all my AUNTS and UNCLE'S and COUSINS, regardless how they fell about me, and about me not being with my Dad during the end of his time...

Who knows.....

But I do know that I will probably explode if one more person tells me she's better off now.....I know that they mean well, and are trying to help....but.....

I mean, my brain knows it....I just wish someone would explain it to my heart...

Maybe it's the regret that is typing this post and not me.....
Maybe it's the regret that made it hard to get out of bed this morning to get all the kids to school...
Maybe it's regret that I live 12 hours away and couldn't help with my Granny Freeman or my father.....
Maybe it's regret that my little ones were so small when we seen my Granny Freeman and my Father that they wont remember them.
Maybe it's regret that my last Grandmother on earth is in bad shape, and here I am again, 12 hours away and can't help......

What ever it is, it's kicking my butt....

But the kids will be home soon and homework will need to be helped with, and laundry, and the never ending saga that is high schools life will need to be hashed out and rehashed (Emily), and football practice.....maybe it will keep my mind off things for a while...

Trying to make sense of everything, and failing badly,

Jamie Michele Freeman Thompson