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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Cool Whip Totally count's as breakfast right? It does if your about to watch MAGIC MIKE!!!!

AHHHHH...

All the kiddo's are gone to school....

2nd load of laundry is in washing machine now....

Dog has been watered and fed......

Hubby is heavily sedated...........

And I am eating Cool Whip....from the bowl, with a spoon......that I lick each time.....

And I Ain't gonna tell the kids.....nope, not until I serve it with pie at desert tonight....and then I think I will wait for them to all have a big mouthful of pie and Cool Whip....and then let them know that I ATE FROM THE BOWL AND LICKED THE SPOON EVERYTIME... Neineerr, neineer.....

You might ask why? 

If you must know: ON A DAILY BASIS I USUALLY CATCH SOMEONE EITHER DRINKING STRAIGHT FROM THE MILK JUG, ORANGE JUICE, OR 2 LITER SODA.......and it's DISGUSTING.......

So I'm gonna try it, and see what the appeal is to do it.....

Here goes:

LICK, SLURP, AND BACK IN THE BOWL.......

Teheee....

OMG, I totally get it... see you can have some of the deliciousness without having to leave evidence behind....like no extra bowl for Mom to wash, no extra cup.....it will be like you never did it right?

NOT A CHANCE

But their theory is flawed? How may you ask?
Well for starters, I can totally tell when someone's been in my Cool Whip,
Second, I CAN SEE THE BACKWASH FLOATING IN THE 2 LITER SODA.... 
and 3rd....I know ALL (it's a gift y'all, don't hate)

Oh, but back to why i'm eating Cool Whip at 9 am, besides to get some payback to my kids?????????????
And why is Hubby Heavily Sedated?

Cause I'm about to watch......MAGIC MIKE......WITH CHANNING TATUMN.....

OK for my sister Cheryl.......It is totally a movie about MAGIC TRICKS.....Kay????

And for everyone else, it is gonna be 1 hour of Cool Whip Spoon Licking Deliciousness.......I'm gonna fast forward thru all those, um compromising scenes...YEAH RIGHT....
I meant to type, I will be fast forwarding thru all the non-essential scenes......

And i'm leaving the Cool Whip beside me, because I AM AFRAID OF WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN TO ME IF I LICKED MY TV SCREEN........
hmmm, to bad my little one's at school.....I could give him a dollar to LICK THE TV and see what happens...
Just kidding, no need to call Child Services, I would never make my kid LICK THE TV......
I might like, peek around the corner if one of the kiddo's double dogged dared the other one to LICK THE TV.......but wouldn't everyone?

So, no one call for the next hour or so...
..I'll be watching MAGIC MIKE, and LICKING THE TV, I MEAN COOL WHIP SPOON......

Oh, and don't come over.....you know, in case I can't control myself and I LICK THE TV SCREEN, AND LIKE GET STUCK TO IT LIKE THAT ONE CHRISTMAS SHOW WHERE THE KIDS TONGUE GETS STUCK TO THE POLE.....
OR, IF I GET ELECTROCUTED, IT WOULDN'T BE A PRETTY SIGHT....

So.....I'm off to LICK watch MAGIC MIKE..........
And if anyone see's or talks to my Mama, or my sister Cheryl.....IT'S A MOVIE ABOUT MAGIC TRICKS.....KAY?????PLEASE????

Off to lick the Cool Whip Spoon,
And Maybe find a little of the "ME" i've been looking for...(see previous post)

Jamie

PS
I'll let you know how it was.....after I've recovered and washed the Cool Whip from my chin.......

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I don't even know who I am anymore.....

Like, I know my name is Jamie, and i'm thirty-six, errr, 29. I know I am a Wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter  aunt, taxi, maid, laundry room attendant, finder of lost socks, football mom, cook, you get what I mean..........

But I can't find the ME in ME anymore......Sometimes I think I catch a glimpse of her, like after a hot shower and the mirror is foggy and I wipe it....and maybe just maybe, I catch a glimpse......I can't be sure though.

I've been a wife and mother for over 19 years.........

I know it didn't happen overnight......

I just know that it happened......

I LOST ME......

I try hard to remember what I was like before the Little's were here and life happened.....

I don't even remember what my favorite color was/is?

In the still of the night when everyone is asleep, I try, really try to dig deep and remember........It's not like I have amnesia or anything. I can clearly remember having little black dresses and several pair of high heel shoes, like the good kind......I remember matching shoes with my handbag, wearing all the right accessories.

And this was after 2 kids.....
It was far easier to get a baby sitter for 2 than for like 7.....

Anyway, back to my point.....I know, just know, that the former Me is in there somewhere.....it's probably hiding behind too many episodes of Barney (for the 17 y/o) and TelleTubbee's for the 15 y/o.........Bob the Builder, Spongebob, etc........

Or maybe it's EMBARRASSED by how my/it's body looks now....I mean I did House like a ton of kids, so i'm not like bikini ready (or ever will be.....5 c-sections people)....But i'm not hideous....I am what I am.....

A skinny girl stuck in a mama's body........
And i'm ok with that......i think.....

But I wanna find ME again.....and I will continue on until I find Me....

You'll know it's me....I'll be the Fabulous Mom in Target, wearing a nice dress, with matching high heels and purse..... ear rings and jewelry on.....even Perfume.....and my kids will all look like those kids in the Belk ads...and all will behave beautifully.......

Yeah right,
I'll be the mom in sweat pants, smeared with peanut butter and boogers, wearing mismatched socks, no jewelry except my wedding ring, a book bag for a purse, and I will probably smell like bleach and farts....not mine of course, but the fart smell does tend to hang around in my van.....

And oh yeah,
My kids will be the kids that are tearing up the dollar section at Target, picking their nose, and the Teenagers will be acting like they don't know, or belong to me......

Until I find ME, The Me you get smells of bleach and boys farts......
Jamie
I think.....


Sunday, November 25, 2012

Having complete conversations in your head is normal right?

So, how are all y'all doing? I know it's been a long time since I posted, but, life with all these kids seems to take over and things like: blogging, brushing your teeth and your hair (although hopefully with not the same brush) and shaving both your legs in 1 shower, oh yeah and trying to be a good mom takes precedence over blogging.

But you know what? I NEED TO BLOG!!! See, I already talk to my self on a regular basis...I mean full on conversations in my head.....Why do you ask? for some ADULT CONVERSATION GUYS......I mean I have my husband, bur unless your fluent in grunts and uh-huh, and flatulence, well he's pretty much useless in the gab department. I mean I start talking about outfits that are on sale 75%  off and matching shoes and purses, and his eyes pretty much glaze over.

I have friends but lets face it, I'm the old lady who lived in a shoe that has so many kids that she doesn't know what to do......so if I talk about getting together with them it goes something like this: Did you hear about the sale going on at the mall? There are supposed to be some great deals.....at this point I have to admit that no, I didn't know about the sale because every TV we own is turned to some kids channel or football game.........then they look at me with pity.....anyways, so we make plans to go, and I get all excited cause, um, I've had a baby either hanging from a boob or a hip for 17.6 years now, and I am going to get some ME TIME......

Then the night before happens...same as always, 1 of the kids throw up, which in turn makes the kid who was standing near him throw up, which makes me have mouth vomit.......hubby and I manage to get that cleaned up, and sheets, stuffed animals and blankets in the wash....medicine given.....and WE think we got it licked....HAHAHAHA......Until 2 a.m arrives and once again we hear the sound of vomit as it hits the floor/walls/nearby kids/tv/x-box you name it, my kids throw up like that chick from the EXORCIST!!!
And there, as I wipe the walls down, and try not to puke on myself, the first SELFISH tear roles down my face.....I know it's not the kids fault they are sick...but why oh why did they have to do it today???

When I was supposed to get ME time....Now I know that I could leave them with their Father, and older siblings and everything would b-e- o-k....except for everything that they have either thrown up on on even sneezed on will be piled in the laundry room waiting for me to disinfect.....SIGH......

So with much regret, I dial the DIAL OF SHAME and say I can't go, cause 5,6,7,67,91 (just insert a kids name or number here) are sick.......again.....

I'm afraid before too long, they will even forget to invite me cause this happens all the time......
And it's not just with friends, it can be a LONG AWAITED DATE WITH HUBBY WHERE KID TALK IS OFF LIMITS, BUT SEXY TALK ISN'T.........and then on of the RATS gets sick.......

So I guess for now, I'll just have complete conversations in my head ( and sometimes there not always one sided, I've been known to talk to my sisters and mom in my head) and blog more often......so maybe I won't end up in a straight jacket.....although I do like to hug myself every now and again..... :)

Talking to you guys in my head,
Jamie

P.S.
If you find the blog even the tiniest bit funny, pass it along to your friends....I would love more followers, and I have a Facebook page under 2many2count.....I'll reply to every comment, good or bad.....