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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I don't even know who I am anymore.....

Like, I know my name is Jamie, and i'm thirty-six, errr, 29. I know I am a Wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter  aunt, taxi, maid, laundry room attendant, finder of lost socks, football mom, cook, you get what I mean..........

But I can't find the ME in ME anymore......Sometimes I think I catch a glimpse of her, like after a hot shower and the mirror is foggy and I wipe it....and maybe just maybe, I catch a glimpse......I can't be sure though.

I've been a wife and mother for over 19 years.........

I know it didn't happen overnight......

I just know that it happened......

I LOST ME......

I try hard to remember what I was like before the Little's were here and life happened.....

I don't even remember what my favorite color was/is?

In the still of the night when everyone is asleep, I try, really try to dig deep and remember........It's not like I have amnesia or anything. I can clearly remember having little black dresses and several pair of high heel shoes, like the good kind......I remember matching shoes with my handbag, wearing all the right accessories.

And this was after 2 kids.....
It was far easier to get a baby sitter for 2 than for like 7.....

Anyway, back to my point.....I know, just know, that the former Me is in there somewhere.....it's probably hiding behind too many episodes of Barney (for the 17 y/o) and TelleTubbee's for the 15 y/o.........Bob the Builder, Spongebob, etc........

Or maybe it's EMBARRASSED by how my/it's body looks now....I mean I did House like a ton of kids, so i'm not like bikini ready (or ever will be.....5 c-sections people)....But i'm not hideous....I am what I am.....

A skinny girl stuck in a mama's body........
And i'm ok with that......i think.....

But I wanna find ME again.....and I will continue on until I find Me....

You'll know it's me....I'll be the Fabulous Mom in Target, wearing a nice dress, with matching high heels and purse..... ear rings and jewelry on.....even Perfume.....and my kids will all look like those kids in the Belk ads...and all will behave beautifully.......

Yeah right,
I'll be the mom in sweat pants, smeared with peanut butter and boogers, wearing mismatched socks, no jewelry except my wedding ring, a book bag for a purse, and I will probably smell like bleach and farts....not mine of course, but the fart smell does tend to hang around in my van.....

And oh yeah,
My kids will be the kids that are tearing up the dollar section at Target, picking their nose, and the Teenagers will be acting like they don't know, or belong to me......

Until I find ME, The Me you get smells of bleach and boys farts......
Jamie
I think.....


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