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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Phases of life my kids are in...and I think Sarcasm is in our DNA

17 y/o Man Child is in : Dearest Mother, don't you know that I am almost 18, and I am a Football Champion?? Here's my ring....now you can kiss it.....


Me: Dearest Man-Child..you may be a Football Champion, and as tall as a giant....but you need to remember who housed you for 9 months....and not to ignore the fact that even though you are 6ft 4, and I'm 5ft 2...I still wield a MAD FRYING PAN....so beware....(what the really evil/non-mom side of me wants to say is :I got something for you to kiss....but alas, I will refrain)

16 y/o Girl Child is in this phase: Mommie Dearest, I am 16 and can go out on dates now, and like not come home until 12 a.m....Because mom, EVERY OTHER GIRL MY AGE CAN DO THIS....so therefore I command you to let me do this.


Me: Bawahhaaa. spits soda out of my nose, and fall to the floor laughing.....
Her: Why are you laughing?
Me: Because GURL, I Was 16 once, and I know just what your thinking, and I don't think so.....
Her: Why?
Me: Because I Know you, and I know me, and I know my sisters and HELL NO....
Her: Why?
Me: Oh dear god, do I have to spell it out for you?
Her: YES
Me: Alright then. N-O....
Her: I so can't freakin' wait to get out of here....
Me: As in my house, or this state?
Her: Both....And I WILL NEVER LIVE IN A TRAILER EVER...
Me: hahahahaaa
Her: What?
Me: NEVER SAY NEVER....karma a b* and it will bite you in the end..
Her: So your just gonna keep me here prisoner?
Me: If you dad had his way then yes, me? Well there is a Walker County AL in every place you go....
Her: I don't like you...
Me: You don't have to....I don't like you neither...but I LOVE YOU...
Her: (mumbles) I love you too.... and stomps off to her room....
Me: Thank you God, for giving me only 1 Daughter.....I don't know how I could deal with another one...
(side note: she then takes to Facebook and starts putting up sarcastic witty b*tchy things on her FB wall....all while I laugh in my closet where I am hiding eating my ice cream and reading all of her posts. Where did she get this sarcastic from?????..)

10 y/o Thing 1 is in this phase: Mom, I'm in double digits now, and I can say Cuss words that I've heard from you... on the bus.....And you no nothing about 4th grade, and I can call my brothers stupid and stuff, cause that's the way I roll...


Me: I don't care if your in triple digits.....You cannot cuss and call your brothers stupid...
Him: Uh-huh, I sit in the back of the bus, and I'm in charge cuz I'm older than they are...
Me: Doesn't work that way.
Him: What do you know, you were born when dinosaurs were still around...
Me: *cricket, cricket*
Him: SEE?
Me: Why I otta......What am I going to do with you?
Him: Nothing, that's just the way it is....
Me: (formulates plan that involves Thing 2, and Thing 3.....because really, who could come back after that crack?)
(update: It was as simple as letting Thing 2, and Thing 3 to use his deodorant ANYWHERE THEY WANTED TO....then put said deodorant back in drawer and cackle to myself when I see him putting it on)

9 y/o Thing 2 is in this phase: Mommie, your so PRETTY, and smart, and I love you so much, and you are the best mom in the world and can I have the new xbox game that cost 50 bucks????.....did I mention that you are pretty and the best mommie ever....


Me: I think you mentioned it once or twice....but a foot rub, and a few more "I'm Pretty's" and the game is yours...
Him: I knew I was your favorite

And last, but certainly not least...
Thing 3, a.k.a "Spider Monkey" is in this phase: I am your baby, and always will be....remember when I couldn't breathe and the ambulance had to come???? So, that means I get what I want, whenever I want it, and there shall be no peace in this house until I get what I want.....


Me: You're pretty slick...you know mentioning the breathing thing and all....
Him: I know, I am Good...
Me: Maybe Just a LITTLE too good.
Him: Nope
Me: Dear Lord, what have Crazy Hubby and I done? We have given this child both of our sarcastic, slick DNA.....What did we do?
Him: You named me T.N.T.....Taylor Nathaniel Thompson
Me: I did do that
(crazy hubby would like to point out that I am the only one who named this child, because he got to name Things 1, and Thing 2)
Him: You wanted DYNAMITE .. YOU GOT IT...
Me: You are a Turd..
Him: It takes one to know one....
Me: I think we have created a monster....
Him: Yup....but your are so pretty...and
Me: Stop, don't steal your brothers moves...
Him: Watch me...
Me: ((shudders))

HIDING UNDER THE COVERS, BALLED UP IN A FETAL POSITION,
JAMIE

Sunday, March 24, 2013

This week's edition of :Random stuff my kids have said

OK. So I so do not know who my kids got their knack for sarcasm.....I promise I don't...

My mother tells me that I was an ANGEL.....WITH HORNS.....

So here goes, the random, sarcastic, witty things that my little Angels have said recently:

Man-Child: You know when I turn 18, I can do anything I want, don't ya mom?
My reaction: Bawaahhhhhaa

Girl-Child: Why do you want to know what IBM arguing about with my boyfriend??? It's none of your business....
My reaction: Bawahhhaaa......now hand over your phone....
Crazy Hubby's reaction: HAND OVER YOUR PHONE NOW AND LET ME TALK TO HIM.....

Thing 1: Absolutely nobody is to use MY deodorant.......
Things 2 and 3's reaction: Sneak into Thing 1's drawer and smear deodorant all over their self's......

Thing 2: I love you mommie, even though your belly has stripes on it.....
My reaction: (in my head, You little Sh*T) out loud....Thank you I love you and your bad breath.....
Heathen....

Thing 3: You are a Mean Mama because you spent my dollar that the Tooth Fairy gave me......(pouty face)
Me: UH............You want a bite of my 3 Musketeers Bar?

Hubby: (some back ground: he went to a friends house and was supposed to come Right back, it's 7:30 p.m. on a school night) I call him because it's 1:30 am......He says he's on his way. I tell him if he doesn't come home now, he could just sleep outside, and not the house.....He hangs up on me, or so he thinks....and I hear him telling his friend  "She said if I didn't come home now, I had to sleep outside....the House that I broke my back for, the one that is mine. She is crazy".........But alas, I am still on the phone....and hear everything.....

Update: He made it home....However, he is in the dog house......and might just eat dog food for the rest of the week....

Now on to me: The most Ironic thing I said to my kids was:
Kids are screaming at the top of their lungs.....
Me: QUIT SCREAMING, WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULD SCREAM LIKE THAT, MY GOODNESS HAVE SOME RESPECT AND QUIT SCREAMING.......
Kids: ummmmmmm
Me: Never mind.... continue on

So goes the craziness that is my household....

GOODBYE UNTIL NEXT TIME, WHEN MAYBE MY HUBBY IS OUTTA THE DOG HOUSE

J




Thursday, March 21, 2013

An Open Letter to my 16 year old Daughter


You light up my life......You give me hope to carry on....

From the very moment that I laid my bleary and weary eyes on you I knew you....I mean I knew you..
How life shattering is that?
And you looked at me, and I would love to say you were saying "oh mama, there you are"...........
but it was more like "Put me back in, and could you put some clothes on me dude?"
Just joking, you were just so quite, and I was so out of it that I didn't realize that something was wrong.......
They rushed you off, and my Anesthesiology doctor put some good cocktail drugs in my iv and everything went black......
You see, you weren't quite due just yet....but I had this bad feeling, and I made Mamaw and Papaw H come up to SC.....so I woke mama up and told her to take me to the hospital, that something just wasn't right.....
And told her not to wake anyone else up, because it was probably false labor...
Any way, My regular doctor was on vacation, and this wonderful female doctor came in and said she wanted  to get an ultrasound, since she's never seen me before....so in comes in the machine,...and there was a few ooohs and awwws....then silence.....then words and codes that I don't speak, but Mamaw H knows...
One look at her face told me everything, or so I thought.
My doc sat on my bed and said that they had to get you out now....that the placenta had detached and calcified which basically meant that it was dying and so were you.....they estimated that you had been at 50% oxygen for a few days......and we were going into the operating now.....
Lots of prayers were said.........
They got you out, and worked on you.....and I've watched the video of you and they just couldn't get you to cry......
Anyway, as soon as I saw you, really saw you in a non drug induced state, i realized that you looked JUST LIKE ME.....
And I Demanded that you be named Emily Michele.......with one L, just like me.....
Oh, you were a testy little newborn....hungry all the time.
But then at 6 weeks, I guessed you accepted you fate, that you actually belonged in this CRAZY FAMILY AND WAS LIKE FINE, PUT ME IN MY OWN BED TURN OFF THE LIGHT, TURN ON THE FAN, AND SHUT THE DOOR....
OH, AND GIVE ME MY BLANKIE TO SUCK ON.....

That's when I knew I was in trouble........

You wouldn't talk until you were almost 2...and when you did boy was I excited......ever since then, you haven't SHUT UP.....

You were the cutest little soccer player that there ever was.

You were also the cutest little tball player that there ever was.

Now you sing like and ANGEL always, act like a Devil sometimes.....

And you keep me and dad on our toes........

I see you growing up through a mother's eyes....
And he See's you growing up through a daddy's eye's.....which is scarier for him than me.....

You push us to the absolute limit, and then some......
You know what buttons to push to set us off......
And you have the puppy dog eyes that work on your dad......but not on me...
You can cut someone down with a single look (something you got from me)
You have a stiff right upper cut....
You can drive a four wheeler and wreck them with the best of them...
Then 3 hours later, you can look like a perfect little lady all shinned up like a new penny....
Oh, and you can shoot a gun, and a bow and arrow....

You are everything that me and daddy hoped for
And we hope that you achieve all of your dreams...  

You are my only daughter forever, and always...
Love Mom

What do I do now that my "LITTLE'S" aren't Little anymore?

This April, the 22nd to be exact, I will be having a Car Seat bond fire.

You see for the last 17 years and 8 months I will have had at least one baby car seat in my car.

But Alas, My Littlest will turn 8......8.......OMG MY LITTLEST BABY WILL TURN 8!!!!!!!

And I don't know what to do.......

For so long, in conversations I have referred to my kids as The Big Kids, The Middle Kids, And the Little's....

Now what do I do?

Man-Child will be 18 in June, Girl-Child just turned 16 on the 15th....

OMG !!!!! MY GIRL-CHILD IS 16 NOW......LORD HELP ME NOW...

J is 17, D is 14........(his,mine, and ours)

And the Little's? Thing 1 turned 10 in Jan, Thing 2 turned 9 on the 8th.....and Thing 3 will be 8.......

Again I ask "What do I do now?"

I feel my grip on the Big Kids slipping away every second......

And the Little's? I had to buy Thing 1 deodorant........

I feel like my life around me is going in fast forward, but me? I'm standing still......

Still trying to figure out how the Big kids got so big so fast......
And how Thing 1 now needs deodorant....
Still trying to figure out how Girl Child turned 16, and has a steady boyfriend....A FREAKIN' BOYFRIEND

So now I'm left with the feeling of not being needed as much as I used to.....
It's funny, all I used to think about was having a moment when I'm not needed......
fast forward to now, and I'm not needed as much....

Oh sure, I am still the finder of lost socks, washer of the dirty uniforms, still the cooker of the meals..........
But with all the technology that there is today....I'm often think I'm having a conversation with Girl-Child, only to realize that she is on the phone with someone else, and has no idea what I'm saying to her.....
And Man-Child? He's a NC State High School Football Champion, whose mother knows nothing at all......
The Little's? hmmph.... I try to tell them to do there chores, and I have to yell over either the radio in their room or the X-Box in the living room.....

Don't get me wrong, I still have to break up fights, still have heart to heart talks with the Big Kids (although sometimes it's in the form of texting).....

And the Little's still don't like Thunderstorms, and come and jump in the bed  with me during the night.....

I'm still the Kisser of the Boo-Boo's......The shoulder to cry on when someones had a bad day........

But I feel it deep in my bones..... This SEPARATION.....This Crushing of my heart.....

In short, I feel the Umbilical Cord being cut...... PERMANENTLY......

Now I know from experience that being a Mom never stops.....I call my mom at the drop of a hat......and talk about everything from TV shows to my period.......

But I remember being so STUBBORN at 17 that I made my mom sign the papers for me to get married...

And I pray to God, that I have at least taught them not to go down the same road I went down.....down...down......

I mean what do you do when your littlest is turning 8, and you know FOR A FACT that you will not have anymore babies?

I'm only 23  37 and my oldest is almost 18......
So I was married at 17, pregnant at 18, gave birth to Man-Child at 19....
Was pregnant again at 20, and had Girl Child at 21.........
Then Thing 1 came at 27, Thing 2 was right on his heels at 28, and Thing 3 at 29....that's right, they were all 13 months and 2 weeks apart.....

I know I got years to go before they are all out of here......
But still, I can feel it on the Horizon........
And I'm not happy about it.....

Heart already breaking before the dawn,

J







Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Please Tell me that I am not the only Mother on the face of the Earth, that can't stand my kids sometimes....

Don't get me wrong. I actually wrote that on the Post Line.

I will give you a moment of silence, so you can think about how bad I am at this Mothering Gig....

You done yet?

I mean I LOVE MY CHILDREN ALWAYS.......

It's that sometimes all I want to do is hide from them......

It used to be that I could take a nice bubble bath with a locked door......

But that is when the hand under the door starts to appear, or somebody's bleeding, etc.ect....

But now that one bathroom is being fixed, the one in the master bedroom is the only toilet and shower....

So there is always someone who has to pee, or some other life threatening illness that needs to be looked at immediately.

But wait, there's more.....

We took off the bathroom door, along with Man-Child and Girl-Child's bedroom door.

Why? Well let me count the ways:
1. It's my house and I'll do as I please.
2. It's not polite to slam doors every-time you get mad at me.
3.It's not polite to lock mommy out of your room if you disagree with her.
4. Man-Child's room needs to air out. (I never knew that boys could produce such an odor)

That's just some of the reasons....

Which leads me to the original complaint.....
Is it too hard to leave Mama alone for 5 minutes so that she can shave both legs at the same time and wash and condition my hair?
The answer is YES. Apparently they figure that they have you cornered and that you can't leave until they leave.
Which totally ruins my relaxation.

I think to remedy that I should just start conversations up with them while they are sitting on the toilet  or in the shower......

But why do I dislike my kids sometimes?

BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST LIKE ME.....
MY MOTHERS CURSE WORKED AND I HAVE 5 THAT ACT JUST LIKE ME.....

No relaxing going on around here,
J






I know, adorable right?

Sunday, March 10, 2013

My good-hearted Crazy Hubby, A True Hero...

I know.....It took me about 2 hours to write that sentence.

But today, Crazy-Hubby and Man-Child were Hero's.

They were in the yard talking to Crazy-Hubby's brother T, when Crazy-Hubby noticed that there was smoke in the distance. At first he thought maybe it was someone burning leaves, but he quickly noticed that it was growing in size.

He and Man-Child took off in the direction of the fire, and found out that it was a HUGE (to us) Forest Fire. He had already called 911, and they told him that he was the first to report the fire. They sent a fire truck and it went directly towards the fire. My C.H. and Man-Child saw that there was some houses right in the path of the fire, and went door to door telling people to get out, that they were not safe there. 911 called back and C.H. told them that they needed more than one fire truck. They waited for the other Fire Trucks to arrive and figured out that they direct route to the fire had been cut off.

Now, my Crazy-Hubby (C.H.) has grown up in these woods and knew of a way around the fire to get to the other side. So off C.H. goes with 4 Fire-Trucks in tow. He got them to the other side of the fire, and that's as far as him and Man-Child went.

We called the local news to report it, so that everyone in the area could be notified. Next thing we know the local news asked if we could try to get some pictures for them, because their reporters were on other assignments and couldn't get here in time.

So off I go, with my handy dandy Nikon camera to get some shots. And I succeed. I emailed them to the news station, and guess what? They actually used them.

Then a reporter for the station calls and does and on air interview with Crazy-Hubby (C.H.) and on one side of the tv is a picture of C.H. and on the other side are my pictures flashing by....

I would say that it was cool but it was not. Why? Because over 100 people had to be evacuated. And over 100 acres so far are destroyed. And as I write this, it is still not over with.

I pray that the Fire Fighters are staying safe. I hope no homes are destroyed. I hope no one gets hurt.

Here are a few pics to give you and idea about how big (to us) the fire is.













Hoping everyone involved is safe, and I hope the fire gets put out tonight.

Ever Hopeful,
J

This just in, the wild fire is mostly contained and the folks are able to go back to there houses. YES!!






Friday, March 8, 2013

Come Again????

You remember that show that was named "Kids say the darnedest thing"?

Well, that's been my life for the past few days.....

For example.....

Girl Child was so excited that she had raised her grade in algebra that she actually said this very thing......
"MOM, I RAISED MY MATH GRADE A WHOLE POINT"......
ME: "WOW SWEETIE, WHAT IS YOUR GRADE NOW"?
HER: "IT WENT FROM A 89.8 TO A .....wait for it.......89.9"
ME: SILENCE......FOR A SECOND, THEN " UM, SWEETIE. THAT'S NOT A WHOLE POINT....A  WHOLE POINT WOULD HAVE BEEN IF YOU TOOK YOUR GRADE FROM 89 TO 90."
HER: "WHAT EVER"
off she walks in a huff......

Things 1,2, and 3 had "Technology day" at school, where for a dollar they can bring in electronic items, or card games and such.....and the money goes to a good cause.....
So, I send Thing 1 with his DS, Thing 2 with Yahtzee on the go, and Thing 3 a pack of cards......

Well was I in for it when they got off the bus......
See their friends brought in IPODS, IPADS, Cell Phones, Computer Tablets and so on and so forth.....
So when the THINGS got off the bus, I hear about how nobody wanted to play with the things that they brought, and how they made fun of them for not having any of the THINGS (that a snobbish girl deemed necessary) that the popular kids have........
So I asked the THINGS how many brothers and sisters did these mean kids have and the average answer was 1....
That's when I pointed out that we have 7 kids, and even if we were loaded that there was no chance in H*LL that they would get IPADS and such.....
I mean these are the same kids that I can't trust with picking up their own dirty laundry....
Anyway, after I pointed out about the whole we have 7 kids thing......
THING 1 said, and I quote " Well, I  didn't tell you to have so many kids"..................
Out of the mouth of Babes...
I could have chocked him........

And on to GirlChild again, she runs cross country......I have them get physicals in the summer (and yes, I am brave enough to have all the kids yearly check up on the same day) and turn them in as soon as school starts, or if the sport starts early, then I hand it to the coach......OK, so fast forward to today and I get a note, that they have MISPLACED her physical....each coach remembers seeing it.....but would I mind going and getting another one....... HUH? It ain't my fault that you lost it.......and don't they know that insurance companies don't pay but for one physical a year? Or that they charge for filling out duplicate forms.?????
They tell me this on Friday afternoon....and say she can't compete in the first meet on Monday.....
I gotta mind to go tell them just what I think.........but I'm afraid officer Friendly would have to escort me out....

When are these people gonna learn that I am NOT a new mom, nor am I a complete idiot.....and that I will do EVERY-THING for my kids, even get ugly, loud, or straight up Alabama Country which sound a lot like something like " OH HELL NO"........That's when you outta run, cause it's gonna get crazy up in here.....

Whew, I'm glad I got that off my chest.......Hope you don't mind me ranting and raving..........I hope you find it funny.......or at least a little pleasing to you.....
If not, I can always go Granny Rice on ya...... and that, My Friends is a WHOLE lot scarier than hearing me say "OH HELL NO".........

One Redneck Mom Pissed,
J
or as my friends call me: the little stick of dynamite that could......