There was an error in this gadget

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

How do I begin?

My Granny Freeman died yesterday.
She was 88 years old and had led a good life.
She was married to my sweet PawPaw Freeman for forever, who had already passed some years ago.
She had  7 kids, my father included.
She raised them right.
And she loved the Lord.
People tell me that I should rejoice that she is in heaven now, with her beloved husband, and her first born child who was killed in his early 20's, and that she is with my father too, that died 4 years, 11 months 3  weeks and 3 day ago. I know that she is loving it up there, reunited with her family that has been there for years. She is no longer in a body ravaged by disease. She is no longer lost in her brain all the memories that Alzheimer's took from her. She is in a new body and loving it....

She wouldn't want us to wallow......

But that's all I wanna do......

I was 17 when I left Alabama, and I din't see much of her after that (i'm 37 now)....
We'd come to visit every so often and see her....
She only met my kids a few times, but by then her Alzheimer's had kicked in, and i'm not for sure that she fully understood that these 5 kids were mine...but then again, who knows.
She had to bury her firstborn, and my father.....
That is not supposed to happen, it goes the other way....children bury their parents....

I look back on it now and think how many opportunities I missed to spend time with her, and my pawpaw. And it makes me sick to my stomach. When I was a teenager, I was JUST TO BUSY to see them often......now I realize how stupid that sounds....
And after I left Alabama, life took over with 5 kids in 9 years, and mortgages  and insurance payments, and dentist appointments...etc..... and the lack of money, that some way made it impossible to visit like I wanted too....

My whole family lives in Alabama, so I missed time with them too...

I'm filled with regret....that I didn't get to know her as an "adult", since I left so early....I'm sure she could have taught be alot about how to make a marriage last, and how to cherish my little ones......

I'm filled with regret, and shame that I didn't make it for my fathers funeral....
Yes, I just typed that last sentence....
I didn't have a phone then (dirt poor remember), and had to find out in a letter that my sister sent to me along with the funeral program....
He died on May 24th and was buried on May 27th, my husbands and my anniversary....almost five years ago....

Truth be told, to many he was a good friend, his nickname was YOGI....He could fish like a pro, and he liked tinkering with his cars....
But to us, his four girls we got to see a side of him that somewhat * different* than his friends saw.
I wont bash the dead, he was my father and his blood pumps thru my veins.
My mother always, always, told us that he loved us and tried as hard as could to be a father and husband....But....it wasn't meant to last......
We (my sisters and I) visited him and Granny and PawPaw....
We lived within a 10 mile radius of each other for my 17 years in Alabama.
When he got sick with a tumor that ate through his skull, and my sisters said it was time to come down, I did.
He finally meet all of my babies....We took pictures......We visited....
He hung on for a while, then he went quietly to meet his maker.

But still I REGRET.....

I still wish for a do-over......

It may not have changed anything, but at least I could have told myself that I tried.....
But I didn't.......

Since Granny Freeman's passing, I've been doing alot of thinking about that side of my family.....
Not all my Aunts and Uncles like me (us)....
I'm not at all close with my cousins like i am with the ones on my mama's side....
I used to blame it on them...but now....I don't know...
Maybe I was a horrible daughter, or cousin.....maybe I didn't put in enough energy into spending time with my cousins, and aunts....but then again, I was just a child....
I know that I LOVE all my AUNTS and UNCLE'S and COUSINS, regardless how they fell about me, and about me not being with my Dad during the end of his time...

Who knows.....

But I do know that I will probably explode if one more person tells me she's better off now.....I know that they mean well, and are trying to help....but.....

I mean, my brain knows it....I just wish someone would explain it to my heart...

Maybe it's the regret that is typing this post and not me.....
Maybe it's the regret that made it hard to get out of bed this morning to get all the kids to school...
Maybe it's regret that I live 12 hours away and couldn't help with my Granny Freeman or my father.....
Maybe it's regret that my little ones were so small when we seen my Granny Freeman and my Father that they wont remember them.
Maybe it's regret that my last Grandmother on earth is in bad shape, and here I am again, 12 hours away and can't help......

What ever it is, it's kicking my butt....

But the kids will be home soon and homework will need to be helped with, and laundry, and the never ending saga that is high schools life will need to be hashed out and rehashed (Emily), and football practice.....maybe it will keep my mind off things for a while...

Trying to make sense of everything, and failing badly,

Jamie Michele Freeman Thompson

No comments:

Post a Comment

If ya'll liked it leave a comment...
If ya'll didn't like it just leave :)